Sun behind the Cyclone

Without being too dramatic, I think I nearly reached the point of breaking. Nope, I am not breaking down, but literally some stuff can just be too much to handle. The always-ironic element when you are hitting a rough path though is that it all comes smashing down at once. It is not the preferable route of letting you catch a breath after an impact and head on to the next fight. Nope, it literally comes gushing down like a rain shower during Bali’s rainy season. You see it coming and you brace yourself and put your boxing gloves on to defend yourself but then the ambush of occurrences just overwhelms you and there is  nowhere to hide.

So what do you do? What do I do. To be honest, I am not too sure. I like to take my heart out of it and count on my head. That makes it tangible, visible and I can clearly think of next steps and solutions. I hold onto that engraved knowledge that it will not kill me, time will pass and it will make me stronger. On the other hand though, you cannot push emotions aside. The emotional defeat of being ambushed by a thunderstorm of negativity just wears you down. Being so tired of fighting, that you just want to pull out and admit your defeat. Funnily enough though, I can’t do that either. I can not give up, that is not part of my genes so there is a contradiction between my head and my heart and the electric short circuit that is ignited between the 2 of these when trying to walk the rough path, or actually paths. So what do I do. I take a deep breath, I go on, talk about trying not to sound like a broken record and again go on, smile, cry and breath again. Knowing and trusting that each dark cloud will be followed by sunshine, even if it the most terrifying cyclone you have ever experienced.

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Multi-Interpretable Dream Life

An often received and well-meant comment I get is that I am living the dream. This expression though is so multi-interpretable for me that I don’t even think people realize the exact content of their own words.

This mainly because my life is really not a dream. For me it is the most tangible state of being where I really try to stay close to what I want with my life. I chose to chase what my core desires, instead of what the outer-core expects. But I had to sacrifice being close to my family and friends and jump into  this big black hole called uncertainty.

The reality of it is, is that my life is just not a dream. Even though it is now featured on a pretty damn good location, it might even be more real life than anyone else’s, because I have to do it all alone. My life is mine and yours is yours. Each life is different, lived, loved, hurt and contaminated by multiple (good and bad). Each life, is infused with a good mixture of nature-nurture, throw into this mixture some different choices, or possibly heaps, and there you go: the result is different people. You and me, different. So my life might seem like a dream to you but do you really dream of my life or do you just flirt with the idea.

Next to that, I literally always brought myself with me. My problems, struggles, challenges always tagged along. Everyone will experience this while moving somewhere else, really moving not holiday-ing for 1/2 a year. So those valleys I faced as a person always remained the same. Living in a country where it is chronically warm helps. A good dose of vitamin D and sea works well for me. You might need something else but for me surfing and warm weather makes my life complete. But to remain on topic, my life is not a dream life. Money still needs to march in, in some kind of way, my insecurities still need to be swept away, love still has not flown itself into my arms and my family and best friends are still on the other side of this world.

But I live my life, I follow my instincts and chase my dreams. Those are the “dreams” though. What are yours??

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That was almost like a dream

That Feeling

That feeling of not knowing where you are going to end up, not knowing who you are going to meet (and whether you will understand them), the anticipation of something new.

That feeling of the unexpected, the unknown and letting-go. That is what wandering is to me. Either alone or with a bunch of friends. That feeling of adventure and uncertainty. Taking the jump into this ocean of possibilities and being flexible, yup you always need flexibility. Trusting my core instincts that helped me out on numerous occasions: Stranded with my single person tent at the Chobe river in Botswana in the late afternoon, being lost in down-town LA, flat tires in the middle of Namibian desert, hanging with oil-sheiks on a really big boat in Ibiza and being held under by a (for me) monstrous wave. My instincts were always right to trust that everything in the end will be all right

That feeling of not knowing what is hid around the corner and wanting, really wanting to find out what is out there, is a feeling that I have had since I was born. It will not leave me, it is stuck and deeply rooted in my being. That feeling makes me addicted to travelling, wandering and exploring. Meeting new inspiring people, inhaling a new culture, watching insanely beautiful sunsets from the ocean while surfing incredible waves.

That feeling is something I will strive for over and over again

That feeling is my life.

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Tuesday Tunes – Sunshine

The is one of those island-life songs that everyone needs to have stacked in there iPod (or iPhone or Pad, whatever). Spending this last week on this deserted island with little of internet, this music makes me dance and ready to go surf, clean the beach, hunt for coconuts in smaller palm trees and enjoy this epic life I am living. Flight Facilities has a bunch of other song that I love but this one is definitely the one that captures the mood and life I am living right now.

Enjoy this epic Tuesday!!

 

This Is Me

The acceptance who I really am has been somewhat of a challenge for me. It is a confrontational journey realizing that I will never meet up to my own high expectations of myself. I always needed to be better, faster, smarter, more intelligent, funnier, fitter, more beautiful and everything else that starts with more or ends with –er. The outlook of living my life and  failing to be this “perfect” human being was actually dragging me into a downwards spiral. I did not like myself too much to be honest. On the other side though, I was always able to look at it from the other side. Whatever one side of my brain was telling me, the other side always stayed strong. It remained positive and kept embracing the many opportunities that crossed my path and tried to see life from the bright side even though I found life a pretty hard one. As I chased down perfection, I always knew deep down inside that I deserved better then the view of myself that was deeply imprinted into my head. I fought the hard battle and finally decided to let go, to just let life come to me and accept me for me.

Not soon after this mind-shift, I quit my job. And as my mind shifted further, the perception of how perfect “me” should be, shifted as well. My energy was focused on those qualities that I have and appreciate instead of those that I didn’t have or lacked, those that made me imperfect. It has been a hard road mentally. Changing your attitude towards yourself if you have been actively proofing yourself the opposite for 36 year, will definitely not happen over night.

Luckily, I am gifted with some good old strong will-power, McGyver-like survival mode capacities and a bundle of positivity that gave and still give me strength to really love and live my life. Embracing everything that enters my path, worked hard without complaints, surround myself with amazing people and always keep smiling. Yes smiling heals.

It is this time of the year that I always look back in awe on how much I have grown from the head person that I was into someone that can really feel. The road I travelled makes me miss my dearest friends and family but for me it was a necessary step to really be me. It is beyond my own imagination that I am able to proudly say This Is Me, the wandering, full of energy, jaw-hurting smiling, wave hunting, hard working, smoothie making, apple loving, good set of brains equipped, die-hard loyal, never complaining, beanie making, travel addicted natural beautiful ME. The perfect imperfect ME.

 

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Confrontation Necesitas

Normally, I am the kind of person that is pretty straight forward when people treat me bad. Literally, if you stab me in the back, if you screw me over or if you take advantage of my loyalty, you are out. I will confront you, get it out of my system and then you are out. It works well for me because, I just do not want and need people in my life that are not genuine. I treat people the way I would like to be treated, it’s an expectation that I find reasonable within friendships and even business relations. Over the past years I did become a bit more forgiving though. Every one is only human and should deserve a 2nd chance. Fuck, I also need 2nd chances sometimes. Nevertheless, there is always a scar and memory in the back of my head, so regaining real trust is not working out that well.

A couple of months ago, I got ripped off really badly, I trusted someone and in some way I was a bit naïve, but surely I never expected to be treated like I was. Once it happened and there was no communication anymore, just because the person in question did not reply anymore, I first just walked away. His actions had quite a bit of impact though, I felt horrible just because I never was able to confront him. He just got away with it. 1 week ago I saw that he was in his office and in the blur of the moment, I turned my bike around and just went in. It was the best feeling ever, to just get it out. To tell him how he fucked up and fucked me over, to see how he felt cornered and maybe/probably even ambushed. It solved my own feelings ,where I blamed myself for the situation he brought me into. It was eating away in my mind and just because of that confrontation I was able to put the whole occurrence in the closet, throw the key away and move forward. Cheers to confrontations and just get it out there, try it yourself.

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Whatever Day Tunes – Rumour Mill

I know, I know, it is not Tuesday, so we are going for a tune that literally is the Whatever-Day Tune. This one got introduced to me last week and it keeps me cruising, dancing, laughing, singing and all other stuff that ends with -ing. Rudimental, THANKS!!!

Have an epic day.