Don’t Try To Fight A War with a Kitchen Knife

When I was 11, I wrote a letter to myself. At 18, I accidently bumped into it and it was literally the most hilarious and scariest thing I had read. Hilarious, because my language was still an 11-year old that did not even hit puberty yet, scary because it displayed the expectations I had to meet up to. In detail, it elaborated on what I should have accomplished over those 7 years: which school I had to have gone to and graduated from, which instruments I should have played, which basketball team and our achievements, which boys I had to have met, the friends I should still have and left, countries I should have seen and the list went on and on for 2 whole pages.

That I had high-demands of myself really did not come falling out of the sky.  Living with such expectations though is trying to fight a war with a kitchen knife. It is a lost cause, you will get hurt, it will not get you anywhere and it will certainly not help you realize those dreams. So for me it was letting go of what my head kept on telling me over the years. Start listening to where my heart wants to go. Unfortunately for me, this heart of mine speaks a combination of Chinese-Indian-Sanskrit and sign language. Understanding and listening to what I really wanted thus appeared to be quite the frustrating time-consuming effort. Next to that, the conversation with my heart was pretty uncomfortable because the voice in my head had been my comrade for ages. It felt abandoned so it started screaming and ranting just to be heard.

But shifting the balance and really feel what I really wanted to do instead of what I can do, should do, must do, was and the biggest relief. It makes me almost uncomfortably at ease of where I am at right now. My head gives me advice and then I consult whether my heart and my feelings agree with it or whether it talks complete B.S. It helps me get into that direction I need to head into. Of course, I am not perfect, I still can be pretty harsh on myself and have some unforgiving mind-fucks that can last for a couple, it has lost its dominance though. That voice is still a friend that helps me to work hard, chase dreams, live hard, not complain, jump valleys and laugh at myself, it is just not my knight in shining armor anymore.

My Road of Possibilities

Real Life Eat-Pray-Love-story

And then I just finish my meet-and-more-than-great with a metaphysical massage-therapist and sit on my bike and am struck by an Einstein-like Eureka moment: “I am really just like Julia Roberts”. This could be an Anna-meets-Eat-Prey-Love. Even though, I might not be working my push-bike through Ubud, this experience comes pretty damn close to it. And how contradictive is it that I have always been super judgmental to all those that go to Ubud “to find themselves.” Judging that there are only over-aged American women, looking for a healer that help these ladies pull their life back into awesomeness without the hard-work. Really, that is how I looked (maybe still look) at it. No Spirit-festival for me, I can’t handle that, but who am I in the end. If it suits you. if you become a better version of yourself while doing that stuff that I don’t like or can’t handle, go for it!!

While being in Bali for a bit, it became apparent to me how black and white the journey can be. You either dive into spiritualism, be vegan, do yoga, hug some trees, ride an occasional ankle-snapper wave and practice the new alternative of ashtanga, or you dive into that surf & party mode with drugs, alcohol, sex, and repeat that aforementioned. The island is becoming difficult if you try to balance that shit into the grey area. But that grey area is there, I know some epic humans who have succeeded and it is probably the best of both worlds.

So, I try to leap into that grey-space. I love to dive into the party zone, enjoy myself, laugh until my jaws hurt, dance my ass off and just have genuine fun. On the other hand though, I love to surf and clean and clear my head, enrich myself, test different mediums to challenge myself and my short-comings (yes, I have come to realize that I really do have them) and to feed myself with healthy food. So it is in the end somewhat of a Eat-Pray-Love roadtrip for me. Probably, I will not be meeting my future Brazilian husband on this island but I definitely already met several Ketuts. This is the island where both is possible, maybe even everything And that is epic to realize. I am in a space where really everything is possible, I am in charge so just keep bringing it on. Do the same is all I would recommend: Find your Eat-Pray-Love-Roadtrip.

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Healthy Human

Lately, I have been diving more and more into food and then mainly nutrition. I want to make sure that my body gets what it needs, what it desires and what it helps to perform. People that really know me, know I am not the foodie, I drink Coke, I smoke, I like a nice glass of wine.In general though, it is a functional “exercise” for me to nurture myself in the “healthiest way” so it allows me to surf, feel energised/well and again surf. Of course, I eat what I like but I am the kind of person that can eat the same thing week after week, just because it serves me well and I can’t be too bothered.

What I have noticed though is that there is quite a health-mania going on and to start with, it confuses the hell out of me. One day, soy milk is the best thing you can squall down and the other day it is somewhere close to the illegal-narcotics lists. This confusion aside, the most important realisation has been, how people literally create this direct link between diet/food/exercise and being healthy. And I just think that is not the truth. Health is not a stand alone state of being. It covers more than just food and exercise, it is definitely physical but it includes a whole lot of psychological as well.

In my opinion smashing down goji-berries, quinoa, spirulina and raw food while flushing it down with coconut water, will not make you the healthiest person on this planet (note that I do all of the above). There is always a psychological aspect that is a big part of being “healthy”. Again, I am the last person that would disagree that food and eating healthy are a main part of being healthy and eventually happy. But I really dislike the single focus on this.I believe that being healthy in a physical way wil not immediately make you healthy and happy in your head.

You and I will not become only healthy people just by becoming a doppelganger of a fitness model that eats raw and exercises more than a normal person can fit in their calendar. First of all you don’t know them. Secondly, you don’t know how they sleep, their worries, their despairs and their struggles..They might be the healthiest in terms of fat-percentage but the unhappiest in personal, sociological development. I know people that are the healthiest on paper but the unhappiest in real life. And the other way around, I also know people drinking, smoking, not exercising and all that would be forbidden on the how-to-be-healthy-check-list but they will probably outlive the ones that have to run into the gym every day. Of course, I also know heaps of people in between.

This post is not to distribute a negative demeanor about being healthy in the physical aspect of it, I crave exercise and am actually not the most smiliest person if I have not surfed for 3 days in a row.  I really just wanted to share that it is really not all about exercise and food, it is about the total package. You have to figure out how you can be healthy, both physical as psychological because if you only take care of one and neglect the other your total healthiness will pull the shortest string.

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My Healthy & Happy Place

Sun behind the Cyclone

Without being too dramatic, I think I nearly reached the point of breaking. Nope, I am not breaking down, but literally some stuff can just be too much to handle. The always-ironic element when you are hitting a rough path though is that it all comes smashing down at once. It is not the preferable route of letting you catch a breath after an impact and head on to the next fight. Nope, it literally comes gushing down like a rain shower during Bali’s rainy season. You see it coming and you brace yourself and put your boxing gloves on to defend yourself but then the ambush of occurrences just overwhelms you and there is  nowhere to hide.

So what do you do? What do I do. To be honest, I am not too sure. I like to take my heart out of it and count on my head. That makes it tangible, visible and I can clearly think of next steps and solutions. I hold onto that engraved knowledge that it will not kill me, time will pass and it will make me stronger. On the other hand though, you cannot push emotions aside. The emotional defeat of being ambushed by a thunderstorm of negativity just wears you down. Being so tired of fighting, that you just want to pull out and admit your defeat. Funnily enough though, I can’t do that either. I can not give up, that is not part of my genes so there is a contradiction between my head and my heart and the electric short circuit that is ignited between the 2 of these when trying to walk the rough path, or actually paths. So what do I do. I take a deep breath, I go on, talk about trying not to sound like a broken record and again go on, smile, cry and breath again. Knowing and trusting that each dark cloud will be followed by sunshine, even if it the most terrifying cyclone you have ever experienced.

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Multi-Interpretable Dream Life

An often received and well-meant comment I get is that I am living the dream. This expression though is so multi-interpretable for me that I don’t even think people realize the exact content of their own words.

This mainly because my life is really not a dream. For me it is the most tangible state of being where I really try to stay close to what I want with my life. I chose to chase what my core desires, instead of what the outer-core expects. But I had to sacrifice being close to my family and friends and jump into  this big black hole called uncertainty.

The reality of it is, is that my life is just not a dream. Even though it is now featured on a pretty damn good location, it might even be more real life than anyone else’s, because I have to do it all alone. My life is mine and yours is yours. Each life is different, lived, loved, hurt and contaminated by multiple (good and bad). Each life, is infused with a good mixture of nature-nurture, throw into this mixture some different choices, or possibly heaps, and there you go: the result is different people. You and me, different. So my life might seem like a dream to you but do you really dream of my life or do you just flirt with the idea.

Next to that, I literally always brought myself with me. My problems, struggles, challenges always tagged along. Everyone will experience this while moving somewhere else, really moving not holiday-ing for 1/2 a year. So those valleys I faced as a person always remained the same. Living in a country where it is chronically warm helps. A good dose of vitamin D and sea works well for me. You might need something else but for me surfing and warm weather makes my life complete. But to remain on topic, my life is not a dream life. Money still needs to march in, in some kind of way, my insecurities still need to be swept away, love still has not flown itself into my arms and my family and best friends are still on the other side of this world.

But I live my life, I follow my instincts and chase my dreams. Those are the “dreams” though. What are yours??

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That was almost like a dream

That Feeling

That feeling of not knowing where you are going to end up, not knowing who you are going to meet (and whether you will understand them), the anticipation of something new.

That feeling of the unexpected, the unknown and letting-go. That is what wandering is to me. Either alone or with a bunch of friends. That feeling of adventure and uncertainty. Taking the jump into this ocean of possibilities and being flexible, yup you always need flexibility. Trusting my core instincts that helped me out on numerous occasions: Stranded with my single person tent at the Chobe river in Botswana in the late afternoon, being lost in down-town LA, flat tires in the middle of Namibian desert, hanging with oil-sheiks on a really big boat in Ibiza and being held under by a (for me) monstrous wave. My instincts were always right to trust that everything in the end will be all right

That feeling of not knowing what is hid around the corner and wanting, really wanting to find out what is out there, is a feeling that I have had since I was born. It will not leave me, it is stuck and deeply rooted in my being. That feeling makes me addicted to travelling, wandering and exploring. Meeting new inspiring people, inhaling a new culture, watching insanely beautiful sunsets from the ocean while surfing incredible waves.

That feeling is something I will strive for over and over again

That feeling is my life.

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Tuesday Tunes – Sunshine

The is one of those island-life songs that everyone needs to have stacked in there iPod (or iPhone or Pad, whatever). Spending this last week on this deserted island with little of internet, this music makes me dance and ready to go surf, clean the beach, hunt for coconuts in smaller palm trees and enjoy this epic life I am living. Flight Facilities has a bunch of other song that I love but this one is definitely the one that captures the mood and life I am living right now.

Enjoy this epic Tuesday!!