It’s 5:30 in the morning and I wake up after a restless first night in the Silent Retreat. Changing quickly into my “meditation” gear, I wander off on the path to the Bale for my first encounter with this “thing” called mediation. In the past, I would have said that I am scared shitless of meditating. My mind already runs 100 kmph in normal condition, what will happen if I have to sit still and just sit there on a pillow. Make it 3 pillows actually as I already noticed quite fast that I will not be able to remain in this cross-legged position if I do not support my tiny little ass.
So there we go, I sit and close my eyes. Five minutes pass and I am already interrupted by a fly on my foot, a hair that keeps brushing against my cheek and not long after my back starts aching from resistance. I got some true Eat-Pray-Love shizzle going on right now. As I look at my watch and see that only 5 minutes have passed, my thoughts go everywhere. “Oh boy, this was only five minutes?!?” “How on earth will 45 minutes feel like?” “How is it possible that this girl is almost grinning in peace and I can’t even sit still for five?” “Can I just walk away if I don’t take this anymore?” And these thoughts go on and on for exactly 45 minutes.
I lost my virginity in meditation and not sure yet what to think of it. It felt strange and in all honesty I think I am not ready yet for this longitude of sitting, the silence and don’t forget the thinking. On the other hand, I am proud that I have allowed myself to go through this experience. The semi-ADHD-talkative-sportive-active girl that I am has tried something she was afraid of. The next 3 days I skipped the 45-minute mediation in the morning and instead followed the guided mediation in the afternoon. This form of mediation helps me to structure and wave away the continuing thoughts and focus on the not-thinking.
For a virgin like myself, the guided version of meditating was perfect. This guidance helps me to follow this new path I just turned into. It feels that meditation might actually help me straighten up a lot of things. Hence, I will continue as I owe it to myself to become more experienced and make it feel better and better.