The amount I learned this last year is almost too much for me to really wrap my head around. And my head likes to wrap itself around stuff all the time. I like clarity, real and tangible shit, not the floating around in kumbaya-land. The mind can play so many games with you. My mind can be one big blur filled with memories, feelings, experiences & imprints. Some of them growing out of proportion to an extent that it is sometimes hard to figure out what is real. My past influenced my present, but not my future. Each one of us has the capacity to change those mind-fucks around and step into a future that is one you deserve. I have been on a long journey, created habits that were not always good for me and with that came the insecurity, the feeling that I was not loveable. At a certain moment it almost felt as if I have always been like that. But I was feeding my own insecurities, neglecting the good and focused on the negative. I reckon for some of the people that know me, that might be difficult to understand. Funnily enough, it has always been part of me, I have not been wearing a mask, my mind was stronger than my insecurities. Like I can ignore physical pain, I have taught myself to ignore that annoying little voice: Don’t be a sissy, be strong, it is just not there. In some sort of way that “survival” mode made me where I am today. I fought my battles of which I know there will be mor. On the other hand, neglecting, ignoring and putting feelings and experiences away, also made life occasionally pretty damn excruciating.
Living the life I live now though, allows me to dive deeper into me. I reach out into me and ask questions. Why do I act and react in specific ways? What is the reason why my feelings head down a roller coaster when someone says no? Why do I have the feeling that I need to deserve my space (on this earth, on a party, in the ocean)? It can be quite the trip sometimes, but I have approached it with a smile (big smiles). I also do not get all the answers and I learn to accept the unknown. Each one of us, is just a human, nature vs. nurture, walked different paths with different baggage and some even with excess baggage. So don’t judge. Not others but especially don’t judge yourself.