An often received and well-meant comment I get is that I am living the dream. This expression though is so multi-interpretable for me that I don’t even think people realize the exact content of their own words.
This mainly because my life is really not a dream. For me it is the most tangible state of being where I really try to stay close to what I want with my life. I chose to chase what my core desires, instead of what the outer-core expects. But I had to sacrifice being close to my family and friends and jump into this big black hole called uncertainty.
The reality of it is, is that my life is just not a dream. Even though it is now featured on a pretty damn good location, it might even be more real life than anyone else’s, because I have to do it all alone. My life is mine and yours is yours. Each life is different, lived, loved, hurt and contaminated by multiple (good and bad). Each life, is infused with a good mixture of nature-nurture, throw into this mixture some different choices, or possibly heaps, and there you go: the result is different people. You and me, different. So my life might seem like a dream to you but do you really dream of my life or do you just flirt with the idea.
Next to that, I literally always brought myself with me. My problems, struggles, challenges always tagged along. Everyone will experience this while moving somewhere else, really moving not holiday-ing for 1/2 a year. So those valleys I faced as a person always remained the same. Living in a country where it is chronically warm helps. A good dose of vitamin D and sea works well for me. You might need something else but for me surfing and warm weather makes my life complete. But to remain on topic, my life is not a dream life. Money still needs to march in, in some kind of way, my insecurities still need to be swept away, love still has not flown itself into my arms and my family and best friends are still on the other side of this world.
But I live my life, I follow my instincts and chase my dreams. Those are the “dreams” though. What are yours??
That was almost like a dream
It’s a one of those days. Where all stuff comes together. You talk to your bestie in Holland, you reminisce, think everything through and again there is just one conclusion: all just freakin’ works. I am content and happy in my general state of mind. My dust is clearing.
Driving through the outskirts of Denpasar with Clean Bandit’s “Dust Clears” pumping through my headphones and it just gives me goose bumps. I live the life I want. It is not perfect yet but hey I know that it will never will. I can only try to make it as perfect as I deserve it to be. Life has thrown some serious stuff (aka shit) at me, I am fighting to make it all work, but the biggest change is that this fight is not every day anymore. And that is why this song just almost makes me cry. Sometimes it just fells as if it gets harder but, like the lyrics say, it is just because you restarted. And trust me, I totally restarted my life, my entire life. I re-boothed my systems and am learning to love my life and more importantly learn and experience to love me. Embracing the fact that I am an awesome human being, that I am pretty successful in how I want to be successful. Again, it can all be better. I could be healthier, I could be more loving to me instead of others, I could stop worrying, but in the end, I am doing a pretty good job in changing the old setting and living my life. I am healthy because I love me, because I make decisions that are good for me and because I can not be bothered about other people’s opinion. The realization that my situation was not getting anywhere back at home (again those lyrics), and that I had the courage to just pack my bags and go, see whatever happens, that is what gives me goose bumps. That you, and only you have the power to do that. That there will always be things that you want to adjust or love to see different, leave it there, it will come when it comes. For now it is pretty damn ok.
My dust is clearing and really I would love to invite you to look at your own life and see how much dust is still hanging over there that needs to start moving into another direction.
It’s 3;30 pm, I am finished for today. Fuck Yeah, I think will be able to make it. I calculate and move my way through the outskirts of Denpasar towards Uluwatu. Time flies in Bali but I am sure that it’s possible. I think I do. Come on people, move faster and don’t freak me out by honking your horn every occasion you get. My watch is checked every 10 minutes, almost home, almost home. The thought of not making it, makes me cringe., sick to my stomach, almost desperate. I need this, I really need and want this. And there it is, that last corner before I enter the gate to my house. I grab my stuff and head down. 5 more minutes and I will be ok, the craving is almost unbearable. Four more steps and I will get my fix. Before I know it,I hit the sand and there it is. This big ocean that I can call my backyard. As soon as my board and I punch through those first waves to get out, my restlessness evaporates.
The ocean is my sanctuary. Surfing is my addiction. The sun heads down and I am surrounded by blue water and quite a bit of jelly-fish. Can’t be bothered though.I got my shot: I got my waves, I got my salty ocean, I got myself, I am free.
Long days of cruising down the roads in Bali.. From factory to fabric market, from my beanie hero back to another factory. It sounds sexier than it actually is though. Full on traffic, bikes crossing from left to right, the occasional gravel and let’s not forget the water and construction trucks that bombard their way through the streets. The other day I noticed that I was just really tired and agitated so since I was too late for a surf I decided to get a massage. The luxury of staying here is that a € 4,50 massage of an hour will fit your budget quite easily. So off I went.
My state of mind was weird. Like really weird, I was happy to have had quite the fruitful day of meetings but I was also angry. No idea where my anger was targeted at but it was rather uncomfortable. A massage would make it all better, right??. But nah, it became one of the strangest massage-experiences I ever had. The girl was in a rush and if you are half-naked on a table with rushed hands on your back, you feel awkward.. Her nails dug into my arms, my tiny bum, my legs and I actually almost feared open wounds. Luckily, she dumped such an enormous amount of oil on me that her nails and knuckles could not find grip onto my sun-kissed skin.
It was actually hilarious, now I look at it on hindsight. Every time she started with a new body-part, my anticipation of what this body-part would experience decreased. I just wanted it to be over with. The poor girl. Really, I should not have been on that table. I was just too tired and my head was running race-tracks with thoughts. I could not relax and the girls massage approach literally left me with such annoyance that my state of mind was probably even worse than before I stepped foot into that “spa”. My lesson was learned, I should have listened to my own state of mind and just drive home and take a dip in the ocean, just get salty. That is my cure of understanding what is happening in my head. The ocean literally soothes my soul and thinking massages would do the trick was clearly an illusion.
Emotions can be so overwhelming some times, it is actually not weird that we are almost programmed to ignore them, put them away instead of actually feeling and embracing them. The other day, I saw this hugely inspiring 2 minute video that explained pretty clearly what we actually do when we depress emotions like grief, anger & envy. It transforms grief into depression, anger into rage and envy into jealousy. And that is when we loose control. I cannot control depression, I can control grief. I can control anger but I cannot control rage. And of course envy, I can control that emotion but I cannot control jealousy.
So just ask yourself what would happen if you just let go? As all these emotions are really natural. In the end it is exactly what this short little video promotes. The key is not to stop feeling, it is to start.
You have heard me talking about letting it all go. But how do you do it? How do I do it? How can you change a planning-structered-what-is-gonna-happen-next girl into a completely-go-with-the-flow person. I have managed, yes I have struggled and still encounter some challenges but I am doing pretty well to be honest.
One way that really helped me to take each day at a time and see where it will bring me is to look at everything as a potential. Not a fact, not a way-how-it-should-go but just a potential. This makes planning superfluous. It gives space for all those awesome things that can, might and/or could happen. I noticed that by embracing this way of looking at my own journey it allows me to really let it go. Yes life is really one epic ride, one awesome potential.