When I was 11, I wrote a letter to myself. At 18, I accidently bumped into it and it was literally the most hilarious and scariest thing I had read. Hilarious, because my language was still an 11-year old that did not even hit puberty yet, scary because it displayed the expectations I had to meet up to. In detail, it elaborated on what I should have accomplished over those 7 years: which school I had to have gone to and graduated from, which instruments I should have played, which basketball team and our achievements, which boys I had to have met, the friends I should still have and left, countries I should have seen and the list went on and on for 2 whole pages.
That I had high-demands of myself really did not come falling out of the sky. Living with such expectations though is trying to fight a war with a kitchen knife. It is a lost cause, you will get hurt, it will not get you anywhere and it will certainly not help you realize those dreams. So for me it was letting go of what my head kept on telling me over the years. Start listening to where my heart wants to go. Unfortunately for me, this heart of mine speaks a combination of Chinese-Indian-Sanskrit and sign language. Understanding and listening to what I really wanted thus appeared to be quite the frustrating time-consuming effort. Next to that, the conversation with my heart was pretty uncomfortable because the voice in my head had been my comrade for ages. It felt abandoned so it started screaming and ranting just to be heard.
But shifting the balance and really feel what I really wanted to do instead of what I can do, should do, must do, was and the biggest relief. It makes me almost uncomfortably at ease of where I am at right now. My head gives me advice and then I consult whether my heart and my feelings agree with it or whether it talks complete B.S. It helps me get into that direction I need to head into. Of course, I am not perfect, I still can be pretty harsh on myself and have some unforgiving mind-fucks that can last for a couple, it has lost its dominance though. That voice is still a friend that helps me to work hard, chase dreams, live hard, not complain, jump valleys and laugh at myself, it is just not my knight in shining armor anymore.