Happy

SOMEBODY, JUST NOT ANYBODY

In a nutshell, according to the standard old-fashioned way of how lives should be lived, I probably, most definitely, am way off track. Where my friends from Uni are trying to get their 4th kid out of diapers, I try to get barreled. Where they are thinking about 300m2 houses to accommodate the kids, the 2 cars, the jacuzzi, the trampoline and of course the dog, I live in a shared house without any hot water. Where they think about pensions, I calculated that I have enough money until I die, but then that should actually happen next Wednesday. My decision to choose the word old-fashioned is not completely fair though. It is their way of how they want to live their life, what they feel comfortable with, which values they have and what their priorities are. My priorities and needs just take a 360 degree different view on it.

For a 36-year old though, what most intrigues me though is relationships. Not only because each freakin’ day there is someone wondering why I am still single. It is mainly that I don’t understand why I witness relationships that in my opinion would not be worth sitting in. Just and only for the sake of being in a relationship, these couples just stay together and annoy the f%^# out of each other. Even though I also see relationships that do work really well and are inspirational for me, I feel for those that stay together because their fear of being alone is bigger than the hassle of the daily adaptation to someone that they do not love completely

The time has passed that I thought that I did not deserve love and I was “un-loveable”. That there was always someone better, prettier, faster, more intelligent or anything else with more or –er in front of it. I do believe that love in its most pure and natural form is out there for me. My needs are not far-fetched, I want somebody that knows he wants to be with me with all that comes with it. However I pass for just anybody. I know what I want but more importantly I know what I need. Not only for relationships but for my life as a whole. My needs are to be grounded & balanced, have an amazing time, if someone connects with me and wants to join me on this journey, come and join me. If not, I am happy to continue by myself.

So, even though I am where I am and my life does not meet perfect on that “old-fashioned”-view on the relationship-scale. I am more than content. I am surrounded by amazingly inspiring friends (some close some further away), I work hard, I smile, stay healthy, surf and try to be the best version of me. There is no biological clock that is capable to take that away from me or detour me with thoughts that I should do anything differently. Because I believe that stuff (yes just really stuff) happens for a reason. That we are on this earth just to follow the path that it has lined up for us and mine just doesn’t direct me into a boring relationship settling for less just because I hit an age where I am supposed to ensure that I don’t miss the family-boat. With my full soul, I believe that, that somebody is there. It will only not be just anybody.

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Multi-Interpretable Dream Life

An often received and well-meant comment I get is that I am living the dream. This expression though is so multi-interpretable for me that I don’t even think people realize the exact content of their own words.

This mainly because my life is really not a dream. For me it is the most tangible state of being where I really try to stay close to what I want with my life. I chose to chase what my core desires, instead of what the outer-core expects. But I had to sacrifice being close to my family and friends and jump into  this big black hole called uncertainty.

The reality of it is, is that my life is just not a dream. Even though it is now featured on a pretty damn good location, it might even be more real life than anyone else’s, because I have to do it all alone. My life is mine and yours is yours. Each life is different, lived, loved, hurt and contaminated by multiple (good and bad). Each life, is infused with a good mixture of nature-nurture, throw into this mixture some different choices, or possibly heaps, and there you go: the result is different people. You and me, different. So my life might seem like a dream to you but do you really dream of my life or do you just flirt with the idea.

Next to that, I literally always brought myself with me. My problems, struggles, challenges always tagged along. Everyone will experience this while moving somewhere else, really moving not holiday-ing for 1/2 a year. So those valleys I faced as a person always remained the same. Living in a country where it is chronically warm helps. A good dose of vitamin D and sea works well for me. You might need something else but for me surfing and warm weather makes my life complete. But to remain on topic, my life is not a dream life. Money still needs to march in, in some kind of way, my insecurities still need to be swept away, love still has not flown itself into my arms and my family and best friends are still on the other side of this world.

But I live my life, I follow my instincts and chase my dreams. Those are the “dreams” though. What are yours??

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That was almost like a dream

This Is Me

The acceptance who I really am has been somewhat of a challenge for me. It is a confrontational journey realizing that I will never meet up to my own high expectations of myself. I always needed to be better, faster, smarter, more intelligent, funnier, fitter, more beautiful and everything else that starts with more or ends with –er. The outlook of living my life and  failing to be this “perfect” human being was actually dragging me into a downwards spiral. I did not like myself too much to be honest. On the other side though, I was always able to look at it from the other side. Whatever one side of my brain was telling me, the other side always stayed strong. It remained positive and kept embracing the many opportunities that crossed my path and tried to see life from the bright side even though I found life a pretty hard one. As I chased down perfection, I always knew deep down inside that I deserved better then the view of myself that was deeply imprinted into my head. I fought the hard battle and finally decided to let go, to just let life come to me and accept me for me.

Not soon after this mind-shift, I quit my job. And as my mind shifted further, the perception of how perfect “me” should be, shifted as well. My energy was focused on those qualities that I have and appreciate instead of those that I didn’t have or lacked, those that made me imperfect. It has been a hard road mentally. Changing your attitude towards yourself if you have been actively proofing yourself the opposite for 36 year, will definitely not happen over night.

Luckily, I am gifted with some good old strong will-power, McGyver-like survival mode capacities and a bundle of positivity that gave and still give me strength to really love and live my life. Embracing everything that enters my path, worked hard without complaints, surround myself with amazing people and always keep smiling. Yes smiling heals.

It is this time of the year that I always look back in awe on how much I have grown from the head person that I was into someone that can really feel. The road I travelled makes me miss my dearest friends and family but for me it was a necessary step to really be me. It is beyond my own imagination that I am able to proudly say This Is Me, the wandering, full of energy, jaw-hurting smiling, wave hunting, hard working, smoothie making, apple loving, good set of brains equipped, die-hard loyal, never complaining, beanie making, travel addicted natural beautiful ME. The perfect imperfect ME.

 

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Confrontation Necesitas

Normally, I am the kind of person that is pretty straight forward when people treat me bad. Literally, if you stab me in the back, if you screw me over or if you take advantage of my loyalty, you are out. I will confront you, get it out of my system and then you are out. It works well for me because, I just do not want and need people in my life that are not genuine. I treat people the way I would like to be treated, it’s an expectation that I find reasonable within friendships and even business relations. Over the past years I did become a bit more forgiving though. Every one is only human and should deserve a 2nd chance. Fuck, I also need 2nd chances sometimes. Nevertheless, there is always a scar and memory in the back of my head, so regaining real trust is not working out that well.

A couple of months ago, I got ripped off really badly, I trusted someone and in some way I was a bit naïve, but surely I never expected to be treated like I was. Once it happened and there was no communication anymore, just because the person in question did not reply anymore, I first just walked away. His actions had quite a bit of impact though, I felt horrible just because I never was able to confront him. He just got away with it. 1 week ago I saw that he was in his office and in the blur of the moment, I turned my bike around and just went in. It was the best feeling ever, to just get it out. To tell him how he fucked up and fucked me over, to see how he felt cornered and maybe/probably even ambushed. It solved my own feelings ,where I blamed myself for the situation he brought me into. It was eating away in my mind and just because of that confrontation I was able to put the whole occurrence in the closet, throw the key away and move forward. Cheers to confrontations and just get it out there, try it yourself.

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Don’t Do What Makes You Unhappy

“Do What Makes You Happy”: Quite the mainstream quote and to be honest it confuses me. When I look at my own life there are so many things and activities that make me happy, there is not 1 specific thing. So I rather turn it around because otherwise my head starts spinning and I end up doing probably nothing because I can’t make a decision. My motto really needs to be: “Don’t do what makes you unhappy”. It makes more sense for me because I will just be left with the good stuff (and heaps of them). For me that entails that I have to stop putting effort into work, people, activities that are just draining energy. Why would I continue to put effort into a relationship or friendship where it actually only comes from 1 side? Why would I continue to work for someone that just makes me feel incapable? I consider myself as being genuine, someone who treats people how I would like to be treated and definitely someone that works hard (and plays harder).

So my decision is to start follow this motto and refuse to do things that take more energy than I get from it. It is enlightening actually, without becoming to poetical. The fact remains that I (and you) are always in control, I control who I hang out with, who I work for and what I do each day. Everyone is different so also each person’s definition of “happiness”. By staying true to your own definition and to what doesn’t make you happy, it feels like a big load of negativity instantly evaporates in this clear blue and sunny sky.

Don't Do What Makes You Unhappy

Don’t Look Back, You Are Not Headed That Way

You learn from your mistakes. I learn from falling, making sure that I forgive and I get back up fast to keep moving forward. The other day I saw this sign and it said: “Don’t look back, you are not headed that way”. I wanted to share this with you as I really believe that we should not dwell over past mistakes or faults. Not yours, not others. We are all humans that make mistakes. Why should you or someone else remind yourself about that mistake or behaviour, it is up to ourselves to move forward. Of course continues behavior that you can’t support is something you should move away from. Either you will need to dive deeper into your motivations and if it comes down to others, just don’t hang out with those people, I would call that a waste of energy. Other than that it is solely how you consider growth and it surely will not occur when you keep running into the opposite direction.

For me it works that way. If I fail to meet my own expectations, it is me that needs to be loving, me that needs to forgive and get back up. Don’t keep reminding myself about something that happened in the past. Trying to become a better person, the best version of myself by looking forward. So once in a while remind yourself, that forward is the direction you want to focus on, because the other way will be a disappointing road.

Wandering forward through Amsterdam

Tuesday Tunes – Teach Me

Thank you Bakermat. Love this song, love the video and what it means. Get out there, grab a couple of waves and remember to keep wandering.

Have an epic Tuesday!!