Don’t Try To Fight A War with a Kitchen Knife

When I was 11, I wrote a letter to myself. At 18, I accidently bumped into it and it was literally the most hilarious and scariest thing I had read. Hilarious, because my language was still an 11-year old that did not even hit puberty yet, scary because it displayed the expectations I had to meet up to. In detail, it elaborated on what I should have accomplished over those 7 years: which school I had to have gone to and graduated from, which instruments I should have played, which basketball team and our achievements, which boys I had to have met, the friends I should still have and left, countries I should have seen and the list went on and on for 2 whole pages.

That I had high-demands of myself really did not come falling out of the sky.  Living with such expectations though is trying to fight a war with a kitchen knife. It is a lost cause, you will get hurt, it will not get you anywhere and it will certainly not help you realize those dreams. So for me it was letting go of what my head kept on telling me over the years. Start listening to where my heart wants to go. Unfortunately for me, this heart of mine speaks a combination of Chinese-Indian-Sanskrit and sign language. Understanding and listening to what I really wanted thus appeared to be quite the frustrating time-consuming effort. Next to that, the conversation with my heart was pretty uncomfortable because the voice in my head had been my comrade for ages. It felt abandoned so it started screaming and ranting just to be heard.

But shifting the balance and really feel what I really wanted to do instead of what I can do, should do, must do, was and the biggest relief. It makes me almost uncomfortably at ease of where I am at right now. My head gives me advice and then I consult whether my heart and my feelings agree with it or whether it talks complete B.S. It helps me get into that direction I need to head into. Of course, I am not perfect, I still can be pretty harsh on myself and have some unforgiving mind-fucks that can last for a couple, it has lost its dominance though. That voice is still a friend that helps me to work hard, chase dreams, live hard, not complain, jump valleys and laugh at myself, it is just not my knight in shining armor anymore.

My Road of Possibilities

Healthy Human

Lately, I have been diving more and more into food and then mainly nutrition. I want to make sure that my body gets what it needs, what it desires and what it helps to perform. People that really know me, know I am not the foodie, I drink Coke, I smoke, I like a nice glass of wine.In general though, it is a functional “exercise” for me to nurture myself in the “healthiest way” so it allows me to surf, feel energised/well and again surf. Of course, I eat what I like but I am the kind of person that can eat the same thing week after week, just because it serves me well and I can’t be too bothered.

What I have noticed though is that there is quite a health-mania going on and to start with, it confuses the hell out of me. One day, soy milk is the best thing you can squall down and the other day it is somewhere close to the illegal-narcotics lists. This confusion aside, the most important realisation has been, how people literally create this direct link between diet/food/exercise and being healthy. And I just think that is not the truth. Health is not a stand alone state of being. It covers more than just food and exercise, it is definitely physical but it includes a whole lot of psychological as well.

In my opinion smashing down goji-berries, quinoa, spirulina and raw food while flushing it down with coconut water, will not make you the healthiest person on this planet (note that I do all of the above). There is always a psychological aspect that is a big part of being “healthy”. Again, I am the last person that would disagree that food and eating healthy are a main part of being healthy and eventually happy. But I really dislike the single focus on this.I believe that being healthy in a physical way wil not immediately make you healthy and happy in your head.

You and I will not become only healthy people just by becoming a doppelganger of a fitness model that eats raw and exercises more than a normal person can fit in their calendar. First of all you don’t know them. Secondly, you don’t know how they sleep, their worries, their despairs and their struggles..They might be the healthiest in terms of fat-percentage but the unhappiest in personal, sociological development. I know people that are the healthiest on paper but the unhappiest in real life. And the other way around, I also know people drinking, smoking, not exercising and all that would be forbidden on the how-to-be-healthy-check-list but they will probably outlive the ones that have to run into the gym every day. Of course, I also know heaps of people in between.

This post is not to distribute a negative demeanor about being healthy in the physical aspect of it, I crave exercise and am actually not the most smiliest person if I have not surfed for 3 days in a row.  I really just wanted to share that it is really not all about exercise and food, it is about the total package. You have to figure out how you can be healthy, both physical as psychological because if you only take care of one and neglect the other your total healthiness will pull the shortest string.

Processed with Rookie Cam

My Healthy & Happy Place

Sun behind the Cyclone

Without being too dramatic, I think I nearly reached the point of breaking. Nope, I am not breaking down, but literally some stuff can just be too much to handle. The always-ironic element when you are hitting a rough path though is that it all comes smashing down at once. It is not the preferable route of letting you catch a breath after an impact and head on to the next fight. Nope, it literally comes gushing down like a rain shower during Bali’s rainy season. You see it coming and you brace yourself and put your boxing gloves on to defend yourself but then the ambush of occurrences just overwhelms you and there is  nowhere to hide.

So what do you do? What do I do. To be honest, I am not too sure. I like to take my heart out of it and count on my head. That makes it tangible, visible and I can clearly think of next steps and solutions. I hold onto that engraved knowledge that it will not kill me, time will pass and it will make me stronger. On the other hand though, you cannot push emotions aside. The emotional defeat of being ambushed by a thunderstorm of negativity just wears you down. Being so tired of fighting, that you just want to pull out and admit your defeat. Funnily enough though, I can’t do that either. I can not give up, that is not part of my genes so there is a contradiction between my head and my heart and the electric short circuit that is ignited between the 2 of these when trying to walk the rough path, or actually paths. So what do I do. I take a deep breath, I go on, talk about trying not to sound like a broken record and again go on, smile, cry and breath again. Knowing and trusting that each dark cloud will be followed by sunshine, even if it the most terrifying cyclone you have ever experienced.


If You Don’t Go, You Don’t Know

One of those mottos that actually works for everything in life as far as you ask me. Whether you are headed to a job every day that you don’t like and flirt with the idea of quitting, whether there is a six ft. wave approaching and you’re overwhelmed by it’s magnitude, or whether there is that someone you like but are in doubt whether it is mutual. If you don’t go you really don’t know.

It is all about taking a risk once in a while. Asking that question: “Will I regret it later on?” Most of the time you will (or at least I do) and in the end what is the worst that can happen: you have to find a new job, get washed and get smashed by a couple of big sets on your head or be rejected by someone. We mainly make the safe decision out of fear, self-doubt and/or insecurity but do you really want these emotions to decide for you where you are headed to in life. Nope, right…?!?

I reckon there are way worse things that can happen than finding a new job, getting smashed or being rejected. Bigger failures were survived and as mentioned quite some times before, you get back up, you will really get back up. The fall will only make you stronger and grow. So I decide to just go, because you never know what can happen: A life on an island, the biggest wave of my life or closer to the person that you really like.

If You Don;t Go, You Don't Know

Different Paths & Different Baggage

The amount I learned this last year is almost too much for me to really wrap my head around. And my head  likes to wrap itself around stuff all the time. I like clarity, real and tangible shit, not the floating around in kumbaya-land. The mind can play so many games with you. My mind can be one big blur filled with memories, feelings, experiences & imprints. Some of them growing out of proportion to an extent that it is sometimes hard to figure out what is real. My past influenced my present, but not my future. Each one of us has the capacity to change those mind-fucks around and step into a future that is one you deserve. I have been on a long journey, created habits that were not always good for me and with that came the insecurity, the feeling that I was not loveable. At a certain moment it almost felt as if I have always been like that. But I was feeding my own insecurities, neglecting the good and focused on the negative. I reckon for some of the people that know me, that might be difficult to understand. Funnily enough, it has always been part of me, I have not been wearing a mask, my mind was stronger than my insecurities. Like I can ignore physical pain, I have taught myself to ignore that annoying little voice: Don’t be a sissy, be strong, it is just not there. In some sort of way that “survival” mode made me where I am today. I fought my battles of which I know there will be mor. On the other hand, neglecting, ignoring and putting feelings and experiences away, also made life occasionally pretty damn excruciating.

Living the life I live now though, allows me to dive deeper into me. I reach out into me and ask questions. Why do I act and react in specific ways? What is the reason why my feelings head down a roller coaster when someone says no? Why do I have the feeling that I need to deserve my space (on this earth, on a party, in the ocean)? It can be quite the trip sometimes, but I have approached it with a smile (big smiles). I also do not get all the answers and I learn to accept the unknown. Each one of us, is just a human, nature vs. nurture, walked different paths with different baggage and some even with excess baggage. So don’t judge. Not others but especially don’t judge yourself.




Empty the Sleepy Head

Right before I left to Bali, one of my best friends gave me this awesome book called “The Artist’s Way” written by Julia Cameron. Without writing down a whole review about this book, I wanted to share one major take-out, I got from it. 

The book describes a method how you can really start the day as fresh and empty as possible. Most people wake up, and start thinking straight away. What to eat for breakfast, that dreadful meeting at work, a difficult conversation with your other half, you name it,. Most of the time it is not positive and you end up dragging these thoughts along the entire day. So what this book encourages you to do is write 3 pages in your diary or agenda, or whatever you want to write in/on). It is not about what you write but that you write, that you empty that sleepy head. To really start fresh instead of starting to worry immediately about responsibilities, challenges and the notorious to-do-list. As you know I write quite a lot but mostly when I really just feel like it. But when I started this “ exercise, I found that it really helped me. It helped to really start fresh with no judgments, thoughts, insecurities or anything else. Those were already written down on paper so the rest of the day is there to have new stuff walking in your.


Keeping The Feet, Head and Heart Grounded

Moving from one country to the other is awesome but I also realised that I am not always good at it. Adapting to: new people, new surroundings, new rules, different climate: I find it really overwhelming. Even though I love to wander, I enjoy wandering most if I have one solid base. A house (or beach-shack or any kind of roof above my head) to return to, a bike/a car to move around but most importantly people to catch up with. I am not a shy person, so do not have a lot of difficulty meeting people but I noticed that I am also tired of being social all the time. Because when you are not social, you do not meet people. At this moment though, I love to be at home. Read my book, make a beanie, cook some food.

This granny-like lifestyle though is conflicting with my need to be around people as well. A situation that confuses me sometimes? Do I keep throwing myself out on the street or do I just stay home? My christmas eve party learned me one big lesson. Stay close to what you really feel like doing. Listen to what kind of energy you have. do you go out for yourself or to make someone else happy? Keep your both feet on the ground and stay true to what you really feel like doing. I ignored all the signs my head and body were telling me and learned the hard way: a stolen iPhone and christmas day on find-my-phone-hunt and a following 7 hours in the car. My feet, my head and my heart will stay grounded for a while now.