Inspiration

SOMEBODY, JUST NOT ANYBODY

In a nutshell, according to the standard old-fashioned way of how lives should be lived, I probably, most definitely, am way off track. Where my friends from Uni are trying to get their 4th kid out of diapers, I try to get barreled. Where they are thinking about 300m2 houses to accommodate the kids, the 2 cars, the jacuzzi, the trampoline and of course the dog, I live in a shared house without any hot water. Where they think about pensions, I calculated that I have enough money until I die, but then that should actually happen next Wednesday. My decision to choose the word old-fashioned is not completely fair though. It is their way of how they want to live their life, what they feel comfortable with, which values they have and what their priorities are. My priorities and needs just take a 360 degree different view on it.

For a 36-year old though, what most intrigues me though is relationships. Not only because each freakin’ day there is someone wondering why I am still single. It is mainly that I don’t understand why I witness relationships that in my opinion would not be worth sitting in. Just and only for the sake of being in a relationship, these couples just stay together and annoy the f%^# out of each other. Even though I also see relationships that do work really well and are inspirational for me, I feel for those that stay together because their fear of being alone is bigger than the hassle of the daily adaptation to someone that they do not love completely

The time has passed that I thought that I did not deserve love and I was “un-loveable”. That there was always someone better, prettier, faster, more intelligent or anything else with more or –er in front of it. I do believe that love in its most pure and natural form is out there for me. My needs are not far-fetched, I want somebody that knows he wants to be with me with all that comes with it. However I pass for just anybody. I know what I want but more importantly I know what I need. Not only for relationships but for my life as a whole. My needs are to be grounded & balanced, have an amazing time, if someone connects with me and wants to join me on this journey, come and join me. If not, I am happy to continue by myself.

So, even though I am where I am and my life does not meet perfect on that “old-fashioned”-view on the relationship-scale. I am more than content. I am surrounded by amazingly inspiring friends (some close some further away), I work hard, I smile, stay healthy, surf and try to be the best version of me. There is no biological clock that is capable to take that away from me or detour me with thoughts that I should do anything differently. Because I believe that stuff (yes just really stuff) happens for a reason. That we are on this earth just to follow the path that it has lined up for us and mine just doesn’t direct me into a boring relationship settling for less just because I hit an age where I am supposed to ensure that I don’t miss the family-boat. With my full soul, I believe that, that somebody is there. It will only not be just anybody.

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Don’t Try To Fight A War with a Kitchen Knife

When I was 11, I wrote a letter to myself. At 18, I accidently bumped into it and it was literally the most hilarious and scariest thing I had read. Hilarious, because my language was still an 11-year old that did not even hit puberty yet, scary because it displayed the expectations I had to meet up to. In detail, it elaborated on what I should have accomplished over those 7 years: which school I had to have gone to and graduated from, which instruments I should have played, which basketball team and our achievements, which boys I had to have met, the friends I should still have and left, countries I should have seen and the list went on and on for 2 whole pages.

That I had high-demands of myself really did not come falling out of the sky.  Living with such expectations though is trying to fight a war with a kitchen knife. It is a lost cause, you will get hurt, it will not get you anywhere and it will certainly not help you realize those dreams. So for me it was letting go of what my head kept on telling me over the years. Start listening to where my heart wants to go. Unfortunately for me, this heart of mine speaks a combination of Chinese-Indian-Sanskrit and sign language. Understanding and listening to what I really wanted thus appeared to be quite the frustrating time-consuming effort. Next to that, the conversation with my heart was pretty uncomfortable because the voice in my head had been my comrade for ages. It felt abandoned so it started screaming and ranting just to be heard.

But shifting the balance and really feel what I really wanted to do instead of what I can do, should do, must do, was and the biggest relief. It makes me almost uncomfortably at ease of where I am at right now. My head gives me advice and then I consult whether my heart and my feelings agree with it or whether it talks complete B.S. It helps me get into that direction I need to head into. Of course, I am not perfect, I still can be pretty harsh on myself and have some unforgiving mind-fucks that can last for a couple, it has lost its dominance though. That voice is still a friend that helps me to work hard, chase dreams, live hard, not complain, jump valleys and laugh at myself, it is just not my knight in shining armor anymore.

My Road of Possibilities

Sun behind the Cyclone

Without being too dramatic, I think I nearly reached the point of breaking. Nope, I am not breaking down, but literally some stuff can just be too much to handle. The always-ironic element when you are hitting a rough path though is that it all comes smashing down at once. It is not the preferable route of letting you catch a breath after an impact and head on to the next fight. Nope, it literally comes gushing down like a rain shower during Bali’s rainy season. You see it coming and you brace yourself and put your boxing gloves on to defend yourself but then the ambush of occurrences just overwhelms you and there is  nowhere to hide.

So what do you do? What do I do. To be honest, I am not too sure. I like to take my heart out of it and count on my head. That makes it tangible, visible and I can clearly think of next steps and solutions. I hold onto that engraved knowledge that it will not kill me, time will pass and it will make me stronger. On the other hand though, you cannot push emotions aside. The emotional defeat of being ambushed by a thunderstorm of negativity just wears you down. Being so tired of fighting, that you just want to pull out and admit your defeat. Funnily enough though, I can’t do that either. I can not give up, that is not part of my genes so there is a contradiction between my head and my heart and the electric short circuit that is ignited between the 2 of these when trying to walk the rough path, or actually paths. So what do I do. I take a deep breath, I go on, talk about trying not to sound like a broken record and again go on, smile, cry and breath again. Knowing and trusting that each dark cloud will be followed by sunshine, even if it the most terrifying cyclone you have ever experienced.

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Multi-Interpretable Dream Life

An often received and well-meant comment I get is that I am living the dream. This expression though is so multi-interpretable for me that I don’t even think people realize the exact content of their own words.

This mainly because my life is really not a dream. For me it is the most tangible state of being where I really try to stay close to what I want with my life. I chose to chase what my core desires, instead of what the outer-core expects. But I had to sacrifice being close to my family and friends and jump into  this big black hole called uncertainty.

The reality of it is, is that my life is just not a dream. Even though it is now featured on a pretty damn good location, it might even be more real life than anyone else’s, because I have to do it all alone. My life is mine and yours is yours. Each life is different, lived, loved, hurt and contaminated by multiple (good and bad). Each life, is infused with a good mixture of nature-nurture, throw into this mixture some different choices, or possibly heaps, and there you go: the result is different people. You and me, different. So my life might seem like a dream to you but do you really dream of my life or do you just flirt with the idea.

Next to that, I literally always brought myself with me. My problems, struggles, challenges always tagged along. Everyone will experience this while moving somewhere else, really moving not holiday-ing for 1/2 a year. So those valleys I faced as a person always remained the same. Living in a country where it is chronically warm helps. A good dose of vitamin D and sea works well for me. You might need something else but for me surfing and warm weather makes my life complete. But to remain on topic, my life is not a dream life. Money still needs to march in, in some kind of way, my insecurities still need to be swept away, love still has not flown itself into my arms and my family and best friends are still on the other side of this world.

But I live my life, I follow my instincts and chase my dreams. Those are the “dreams” though. What are yours??

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That was almost like a dream

Confrontation Necesitas

Normally, I am the kind of person that is pretty straight forward when people treat me bad. Literally, if you stab me in the back, if you screw me over or if you take advantage of my loyalty, you are out. I will confront you, get it out of my system and then you are out. It works well for me because, I just do not want and need people in my life that are not genuine. I treat people the way I would like to be treated, it’s an expectation that I find reasonable within friendships and even business relations. Over the past years I did become a bit more forgiving though. Every one is only human and should deserve a 2nd chance. Fuck, I also need 2nd chances sometimes. Nevertheless, there is always a scar and memory in the back of my head, so regaining real trust is not working out that well.

A couple of months ago, I got ripped off really badly, I trusted someone and in some way I was a bit naïve, but surely I never expected to be treated like I was. Once it happened and there was no communication anymore, just because the person in question did not reply anymore, I first just walked away. His actions had quite a bit of impact though, I felt horrible just because I never was able to confront him. He just got away with it. 1 week ago I saw that he was in his office and in the blur of the moment, I turned my bike around and just went in. It was the best feeling ever, to just get it out. To tell him how he fucked up and fucked me over, to see how he felt cornered and maybe/probably even ambushed. It solved my own feelings ,where I blamed myself for the situation he brought me into. It was eating away in my mind and just because of that confrontation I was able to put the whole occurrence in the closet, throw the key away and move forward. Cheers to confrontations and just get it out there, try it yourself.

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Whatever Day Tunes – Rumour Mill

I know, I know, it is not Tuesday, so we are going for a tune that literally is the Whatever-Day Tune. This one got introduced to me last week and it keeps me cruising, dancing, laughing, singing and all other stuff that ends with -ing. Rudimental, THANKS!!!

Have an epic day.

Like An Addict – An Aquaholic

It’s 3;30 pm, I am finished for today. Fuck Yeah, I think will be able to make it.  I calculate and move my way through the outskirts of Denpasar towards Uluwatu. Time flies in Bali but I am sure that it’s possible. I think I do. Come on people, move faster and don’t freak me out by honking your horn every occasion you get. My watch is checked every 10 minutes, almost home, almost home. The thought of not making it, makes me cringe., sick to my stomach, almost desperate. I need this, I really need and want this. And there it is, that last corner before I enter the gate to my house. I grab my stuff and head down. 5 more minutes and I will be ok, the craving is almost unbearable. Four more steps and I will get my fix. Before I know it,I  hit the sand and there it is. This big ocean that I can call my backyard. As soon as my board and I punch through those first waves to get out, my restlessness evaporates.

The ocean is my sanctuary. Surfing is my addiction. The sun heads down and I am surrounded by blue water and quite a bit of jelly-fish. Can’t be bothered though.I got my shot:  I got my waves, I got my salty ocean, I got myself, I am free.

My Addiction