Soul

SOMEBODY, JUST NOT ANYBODY

In a nutshell, according to the standard old-fashioned way of how lives should be lived, I probably, most definitely, am way off track. Where my friends from Uni are trying to get their 4th kid out of diapers, I try to get barreled. Where they are thinking about 300m2 houses to accommodate the kids, the 2 cars, the jacuzzi, the trampoline and of course the dog, I live in a shared house without any hot water. Where they think about pensions, I calculated that I have enough money until I die, but then that should actually happen next Wednesday. My decision to choose the word old-fashioned is not completely fair though. It is their way of how they want to live their life, what they feel comfortable with, which values they have and what their priorities are. My priorities and needs just take a 360 degree different view on it.

For a 36-year old though, what most intrigues me though is relationships. Not only because each freakin’ day there is someone wondering why I am still single. It is mainly that I don’t understand why I witness relationships that in my opinion would not be worth sitting in. Just and only for the sake of being in a relationship, these couples just stay together and annoy the f%^# out of each other. Even though I also see relationships that do work really well and are inspirational for me, I feel for those that stay together because their fear of being alone is bigger than the hassle of the daily adaptation to someone that they do not love completely

The time has passed that I thought that I did not deserve love and I was “un-loveable”. That there was always someone better, prettier, faster, more intelligent or anything else with more or –er in front of it. I do believe that love in its most pure and natural form is out there for me. My needs are not far-fetched, I want somebody that knows he wants to be with me with all that comes with it. However I pass for just anybody. I know what I want but more importantly I know what I need. Not only for relationships but for my life as a whole. My needs are to be grounded & balanced, have an amazing time, if someone connects with me and wants to join me on this journey, come and join me. If not, I am happy to continue by myself.

So, even though I am where I am and my life does not meet perfect on that “old-fashioned”-view on the relationship-scale. I am more than content. I am surrounded by amazingly inspiring friends (some close some further away), I work hard, I smile, stay healthy, surf and try to be the best version of me. There is no biological clock that is capable to take that away from me or detour me with thoughts that I should do anything differently. Because I believe that stuff (yes just really stuff) happens for a reason. That we are on this earth just to follow the path that it has lined up for us and mine just doesn’t direct me into a boring relationship settling for less just because I hit an age where I am supposed to ensure that I don’t miss the family-boat. With my full soul, I believe that, that somebody is there. It will only not be just anybody.

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Don’t Look Back, You Are Not Headed That Way

You learn from your mistakes. I learn from falling, making sure that I forgive and I get back up fast to keep moving forward. The other day I saw this sign and it said: “Don’t look back, you are not headed that way”. I wanted to share this with you as I really believe that we should not dwell over past mistakes or faults. Not yours, not others. We are all humans that make mistakes. Why should you or someone else remind yourself about that mistake or behaviour, it is up to ourselves to move forward. Of course continues behavior that you can’t support is something you should move away from. Either you will need to dive deeper into your motivations and if it comes down to others, just don’t hang out with those people, I would call that a waste of energy. Other than that it is solely how you consider growth and it surely will not occur when you keep running into the opposite direction.

For me it works that way. If I fail to meet my own expectations, it is me that needs to be loving, me that needs to forgive and get back up. Don’t keep reminding myself about something that happened in the past. Trying to become a better person, the best version of myself by looking forward. So once in a while remind yourself, that forward is the direction you want to focus on, because the other way will be a disappointing road.

Wandering forward through Amsterdam

If You Don’t Go, You Don’t Know

One of those mottos that actually works for everything in life as far as you ask me. Whether you are headed to a job every day that you don’t like and flirt with the idea of quitting, whether there is a six ft. wave approaching and you’re overwhelmed by it’s magnitude, or whether there is that someone you like but are in doubt whether it is mutual. If you don’t go you really don’t know.

It is all about taking a risk once in a while. Asking that question: “Will I regret it later on?” Most of the time you will (or at least I do) and in the end what is the worst that can happen: you have to find a new job, get washed and get smashed by a couple of big sets on your head or be rejected by someone. We mainly make the safe decision out of fear, self-doubt and/or insecurity but do you really want these emotions to decide for you where you are headed to in life. Nope, right…?!?

I reckon there are way worse things that can happen than finding a new job, getting smashed or being rejected. Bigger failures were survived and as mentioned quite some times before, you get back up, you will really get back up. The fall will only make you stronger and grow. So I decide to just go, because you never know what can happen: A life on an island, the biggest wave of my life or closer to the person that you really like.

If You Don;t Go, You Don't Know

Different Paths & Different Baggage

The amount I learned this last year is almost too much for me to really wrap my head around. And my head  likes to wrap itself around stuff all the time. I like clarity, real and tangible shit, not the floating around in kumbaya-land. The mind can play so many games with you. My mind can be one big blur filled with memories, feelings, experiences & imprints. Some of them growing out of proportion to an extent that it is sometimes hard to figure out what is real. My past influenced my present, but not my future. Each one of us has the capacity to change those mind-fucks around and step into a future that is one you deserve. I have been on a long journey, created habits that were not always good for me and with that came the insecurity, the feeling that I was not loveable. At a certain moment it almost felt as if I have always been like that. But I was feeding my own insecurities, neglecting the good and focused on the negative. I reckon for some of the people that know me, that might be difficult to understand. Funnily enough, it has always been part of me, I have not been wearing a mask, my mind was stronger than my insecurities. Like I can ignore physical pain, I have taught myself to ignore that annoying little voice: Don’t be a sissy, be strong, it is just not there. In some sort of way that “survival” mode made me where I am today. I fought my battles of which I know there will be mor. On the other hand, neglecting, ignoring and putting feelings and experiences away, also made life occasionally pretty damn excruciating.

Living the life I live now though, allows me to dive deeper into me. I reach out into me and ask questions. Why do I act and react in specific ways? What is the reason why my feelings head down a roller coaster when someone says no? Why do I have the feeling that I need to deserve my space (on this earth, on a party, in the ocean)? It can be quite the trip sometimes, but I have approached it with a smile (big smiles). I also do not get all the answers and I learn to accept the unknown. Each one of us, is just a human, nature vs. nurture, walked different paths with different baggage and some even with excess baggage. So don’t judge. Not others but especially don’t judge yourself.

Reckon-Headwear-Anna-INfamous_robo-dance-inGirls_TheLucaTee

 

 

Saturday Song – Are You Gonna Be My Girl

Not a Tuesday Tune but a song for the Saturday. Damn this song is good, freakin’ good. Gets me running to the ocean, surf my heart out, run back and while head-banging, dance my tiny ass off. To be honest, I am not familiar with the Jet repertoire too much but this one is just ridiculously good.

Have an epic Saturday.

Focus Focus Focus

My personality likes variety, it wants to be busy, connect and diversity. I hate to be behind a desk all day long and doing one thing. I want to have options. But at the moment I also notice that I might have too much going on. Not complaining though, as there is nothing better than working with palm trees and surf in your backyard. It is more a matter of realising that if you want to do something well, you have to make choices and focus.

Even though, I know I can cope with a couple of projects, I can’t do 6. My lesson these days is really focus. Not being the almost ADHD-running-around-like-a-chicken-with-its-head-cut-off kind of girl, nope, not that. Focus on those things that are important now, plan forward but not too much as you can not predict what is going to happen. I want to be free, be healthy, live on this island and indulge in the ocean. Soak up sun while driving to get my work done. Meet inspiring people along the way. A new era has started here and can’t wait for the even more awesome things that are going to happen.

Selling Beanies at Mainbreak, Margaret River

One of Them Black Days

Yesterday was one to remember. It was one of those Black Days that you know you will remember as it taught you a lesson. My time here in Margaret River has come to an end and to be honest I am not completely sure what to think of it. I met some of my amazing friends I knew from Bali, I learned some new skills, got myself out there to promote my brand Reckon Headwear, surfed with sharks nearby. As a whole though, this was one of the most energy draining experiences. I have had thus far.

I make mistakes, just like every other human being. Since you have read quite some stories about me and my personality, it is hard for me to forgive myself for prior mistakes. But yesterday, I literally got verbally abused down to the bone for it. Below the belt, held under water and I literally felt sick. Luckily, there is this amazing thing called Skype and I was sooo fortunate that one of my best friends was there. To be able to just cry on her virtual shoulder and let it all go. First forgive myself and then realizing how well I actually have managed here. I completely dove in the dark and swam, crawled, got spit out and swallowed but I am still walking.

My time in Australia taught me a big lesson and that is that I want to surround myself with people who are good for me and I can return it. Next to that, I want to follow my passions, grow my brand and launch a new one with a dear friend. Heading back home to Bali is something I really look forward to, because to be honest, deep down inside, the only thing I am thinking is “get me the hell out of here”. Where actually Margaret River is sooooo beautiful. Which is why I know that I will be back. I will just approach it way differently.

My doing my thing: Making Beanies…one of the best memories from my stay Down Under